For the first time in my life
I’m learning how to be alone.
But I realize this is how these things go.
You work almost as many hours in a day
As I spend awake.
So I tell myself your place in our bed
Has not been left
But it still feels cold
On the nights youre late coming home.
You feel in order to properly provide
You have more to prove and abide.
Your offered condolences like “if it were up to me..”
Don’t add up to the overtime that isn’t mandatory.
But look, it’s just as you say,
here I am.
The men you serve with
Will struggle to accept
They will credit less
To your competence
Than your bodies prominence.
So wear your smile the way you wear your uniform.
And let them assume to know what it stands for.
We could build a house with our words,
And it would derive the most strength from yours..
The windows would sound like my doubt,
So they wouldn’t keep everything out.
And rain would drip through cracks in your drunken slurs
But the walls would hold. Concrete like promises that were.
Our future would hold time for repairs.
Because we can make a home in anything we share.
I occupy a body
That has grown with me,
And somehow separately.
I can’t help but feel
We are merely close enemies.
This body is not a temple,
It is a cage
And it’s bars are my age.
When I finally begin,
It will be a coffin I end with.
This is a battle between actuality
I didn’t ask for her happiness,
But I had never known
The taste of my own.
When she said
If I were an ocean
Then she would love to drown..
I loved the sound.
I have never lost myself
To love someone else.
But I know the pieces of my heart
That are recycled parts,
Sacrificed by those who thought
I was something to be wrought.
I couldn’t mean to cause theirs to break,
When I didn’t know hearts came another way.
She thought I was a project,
And I thought I was a game.
I guess you can still lose when you don’t play.
You guarded the door
While I guided my finger
To the back of my throat.
Self destruction is a drug.
So I guarded the door,
While you guided your finger
To the back of your throat.
It wasn’t the weight.
It wasn’t my thighs.
It wasn’t for control.
Because hating yourself is easiest
Around someone hating themself more.
We agreed to never encourage
To only support.
Because supporting someone hating themself
Is easiest when you hate yourself more.
You needed my support
And I needed yours.