Tell me how to make it easier

You say I don’t have a heart, 

and I when offer my pulse as proof

you smile, like this steady beat 

only goes to further your point. 

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Step by Step

You may not feel so alone in the bed you staked your claim in. You won’t miss him at night, sleeping alone is a habitat you thrive in. 

But Everytime you visit the grocery store you will reach for his favorite foods, and you never learned how too cook for one. So maybe you will stop. 

You don’t miss the feel of his skin, but every morning you notice that his toothbrush is no longer where it belongs. 

You stopped tripping over his shoes in the hall. 

You started to skip over the songs he would play on repeat. 

You make twice as much coffee as you can drink.

You scrub the floors every evening, just to stay out of bed. 

You sleep with pillows behind your back at night. 

You want to throw everything he has ever touched. 

You let men cover your skin with their finger prints so you can no longer feel his. 

Love

She said sometimes

we fight for everything but each other. 

Our battles and our demons 

start to look like the person in the mirror.

And it’s easiest to project them 

on the only person still laying near. 

Entiltled

He texted to tell me 

He will love me for the rest His life. 

like He wants an apology

for a death sentence. 

Like this is a math equation 

that is bigger than me,

and I have no right

to go subtracting. 

Alone

You reminded me to lock the doors,

I guess to maintain the sanctity 

of a house that is no longer yours. 

We both know that I’ve never lived alone,

maybe I expected the world 

to feel bigger than it did before. 

Please Leave 

I know I broke you,

to keep myself whole. 

You ask me how I can be so cold,

self preservation 

is my only motivation. 

You left the closet bare,

and I’m sorry I found peace

when I asked you to leave. 

Medical 

Primary Care Physician:

Follow up for migraines,

Heart rate is

107

Anxiety?

104

Follow up:

168

“Panic attack?”

“No.”

“You’re having a panic attack.” 

“I know what when my body feels the need to run and right now it doesn’t even think it can, this is not that.

“I guess we will put in another referral”

EKG

121

Neuorology:

141

“Are you nervous?”

“No.”

“I’ll prescribe something to lower it, that should have been your PCP’s first move….maybe it will help with the headaches” 

Beta Blockers

EEG

Antiseizure/Migraine Medication 

Cardiology

108

ECG
99

109

119

98

“We need to get this Anxiety under control. It’s probably just stress from the Navy.”

When did this become we, she’s finally been listening to me. Since when has neuorology been more concerned than cardiology with someone’s heart? Anxiety barely remembers her own name these days. Let’s get to the root of the problem and listen to the patient. 

But we wonder why Vets are living on the streets. 
Not my usually format or topics, but I’ve been in and out of appointments lately and it’s been adding stress back into my life that has been for the most part feeling under control lately. I need to vent. I know a lot of people get frustrated with military medical, and I have accepted that my heart rate my just be higher as I really do not think it’s related to anxiety as in all this situations my anxiety was not showing her face.